Life from the Frontlines: An Update

Уважаемые friends and well-wishers

So I thought as it has been around four months since my last update that I would give you a brief run down of things that have been happening in my life recently.

Here are the main events:



........






Это всё!

So this wasn't a complete waste of a post, here is Part 2 of 100 Things You Won't Find in Astana

11. Kazakh traditions
12. Mountains
13. Clowns
14. McDonalds (although there's plenty of Burger King and KFC!)
15. A real sense of tolerance
16. A single place to relax that isn't a bar, restaurant or cafe (or some kind of shopping mall for "middle-class" kids to walk around
17. A sense of history
18. Humility
19. Any bacon, at all
20. A way of bettering the country or achieving progression that doesn't involve just copying the style of other nations wholesale

So, that's all for now. Stay tuned though, because soon I will have something special for you: A Walking Tour of Nazarbayev's Playground! Oh yes, you are spoilt.

Until then.

Crimea: A Dangerous Game

So, after a long time I decided that it's time for me to get back on the geo-political horse. In all honesty this is the first time I have attempted to analyse an event in international politics since university, at least in the sense that I'm not drunk and shouting my mouth off to an audience of people who I think of as inferior to myself in their knowledge of the subject (OMG arrogance!).

"I'm not a Russian soldier, honest!"

Now of course I am not going to try and analyse the situation in general, or about every single aspect and consequence; such a post would be ten-a-penny in an internet already oversaturated by war-nerds, armchair generals and anybody who can read the increasingly grammatically shitty BBC. Instead I want to try and talk about one of the aspects of this conflict (and Russia's past conflicts) that has seemingly gone forgotten both in the Kremlin and in the West, and will have a huge impact on the Russian state should they continue down this path.

The truest picture the internet ever made.

Now, ask anyone that knows me and they will tell you I am a huge fan of Russia, and the Presidency of Vladimir Putin (or maybe that should have been was?). I have always wanted to see an enlarged Europe that includes Russia that basically sticks its collective finger up at the US. At first I thought that Putin's general masculinity and ability to heal tigers meant that he was the right man for the job, but his petty-minded "ONLY THE FUCKING RUSSIANS MATTER" mentality has really seen me fall out with him. In a rather symbolic gesture I tore down his picture from shelf at work this week (an act that went almost unnoticed, because "we don't do politics" in Kazakhstan) and as such Nazarbayev sits up there alone, waiting for either Bad Vlad to return or a suitable replacement to join him. Maybe Klitschko? LOL!

At this stage, you are probably all wondering what the fuck this blog post is actually about. Trust me, I am getting to that. Let me take you back in time, back to a time when the shit was hitting fan, big time.

Most "westerners" (how I loathe this term) have no idea about what happened in the 90s. Many remember it as the time of bad music and bad haircuts, but in the former-Soviet states it is remembered as a terrible time. A time when corruption was rife, a time where a very small handful of people got incredibly rich while everybody else either starved or shot each other for scraps. Not only this, but a series of conflicts that led to the current state in Crimea unfolded, although most would still not be aware of their relevance for a long time.

"Bring your shit wine in here and we'll blow your fucking face off"

The first crisis came in 1992, in newly formed Moldova. Before 1992 Moldova was a centre of wine within the Soviet Union, producing cheaper and lower quality wine than Georgia. Moldovans made up the largest amount of the population, but there was a sizable Russian population in the east of the country. To be honest, the causes of the war are not very clear to me (apart from what appear to be some kind of discrimination against the Russian language, I think) but I am aware of the result: the Russian army, pretending to be armed groups of the local population, basically shot up the place and carved off a chunk of the east of Moldova to make the state of Transnistria, a haven for Russians and Russian-speakers to frolic and play. This breakaway state still exists today.

Naturally, the Russian Federation didn't stop its active role in the "near-abroad". The early nineties saw two ethnically-linked conflicts in the caucasus that Russia sought to deal with in two different ways: the Nagorno-Karabakh War between Armenia and Azerbaijan, and the Georgian Civil-War, when the ugliness in South Ossetia and Abkhazia first reared its head. During the former Russia urged peaceful reconciliation between both sides (while simultaneously supplying and training the armed forces of both sides, LOL) and during the latter supporting the predominantly Russian-speaking populations in their armed struggles with the Georgian government. Things got nasty, as they often do in the caucasus, and an uneasy cease-fire was agreed upon. South Ossetia and Abkhazia were nominally independent, and Russia started supplying everyone with Russian passports. When in Rome, I guess.

Best friends forever. If forever means until 2008.

Flash-forward about 15 years. In 2008 Georgia, tired of being trolled by Russia about everything, launched an operation to re-assert its control over its breakaway republics. Why exactly Saakashvili thought that Russia wouldn't come to the aid of its allies I have absolutely no idea, but still the war was short-lived and made for a rather amusing summer (I was in Sweden at the time with my course-friend, and we discussed it well into the early hours). So, Georgia went in, possibly thinking NATO would support them, Russia came through a big tunnel, shot everything remotely Georgian looking, looted everything that wasn't nailed down, went a bit further and then decided that they had enough old TVs and toasters and signed another cease-fire. The result of the conflict obviously was that Russia supported the indepedence of two Russian speaking exclaves much like in Transnistria, and that once more there was peace in the caucasus. For now.

So, that brings us more or less up to the present time. Of course the two wars in Chechnya have some relevance to the overall picture but, as we will see later, it's still within a much bigger framework. And it's not exactly necessary to look at these, but instead it is necessary to now look at the bigger picture.

Russians in red, naturally.

The following map illustrates the result of years of unofficial and official settlement policies of Soviet governments, as well as the geographical mobility that was allowed within the Union itself. As you can see, there are huge Russian populations in Crimea and Northern Kazakhstan, and smaller ones in Eastern Ukraine, the Baltic States and others. In the current crisis Russia has supported the "self-determination" of Crimea rather than the national sovereignty of Ukraine, and this of course where I find fault with the current Russian policy. Many might consider to Crimea to belong to Russia given its population, culture and current political situation but the fact is that the Treaty of Westphalia established the principle that a state has no right to infringe the national sovereignty of another. Self-determination should be secondary, according to this.

Now, I hear you cry, why should this be? You support Russia and the Russians Tom, so why do you think this way? The reason is simple. If you were to follow this link, you would see why (tl;dr? Russia is facing a demographic crisis). Once more, lets look at yet another map.

Russia is a multi-ethnic and multi-national country; it has been this way for a long time, even since the Tsars of Muscovy decided to lay claim to the lands of the Golden Horde. Russians have for the longest time made up the majority of the country, and that shows no signs of changing. Yet the collapse of the Soviet Union left the country with a problem: Russians were (and still are) having less children, and the children that they did have were leaving their provincial cities in search of work, mainly towards the cities of Moscow and St. Petersburg. At the same time the native populations of most of the Autonomous Republics and a number of the other provinces have been actually increasing. In a number of these republics Russians no longer make up the dominant ethnic group, and in some Russians are only in a small minority. Most of the peoples in these republics are law-abiding and loyal peoples, especially the Turkic populations in Tatarstan and the other republics; there is still a great sense of multiculturalism that has been carried over from Soviet times.

But if Russia is so concerned with the Russians abroad, putting it in such nationalistic terms, not respecting the sovereignty of the land rather than the people who live in it, then how exactly can it hope to hold on to the lands where it will soon not hold a majority? There are sizable populations of Ukrainians and Tatars in Crimea, are they not to be respected either? Russia for Russians is sounding increasingly hollow.

The lands that will be most susceptible.

Please, do not misinterpret my arguments or my reasoning. I do not want Russia to dissolve into a hundred different Chechnyas; I want Russia to stay united as one country, friendly to all. I want to see a land of peace and prosperity. I supported the Putin administration during most of its history, but today I do not. The country I have dreamt about for so long does not deserve to be ripped apart.

It is not for Ukraine or Europe that I worry about the consequences of the Crimean crisis; it is Russia that I fear for most.

I hope that we can find a peaceful, respectful solution to these problems, and as always I await your comments about how shit my writing is or how my facts are wrong.

Kazakhstan, round 2

It's strange to think that when I initially got on the plane to embark on the Great Adventure that I never considered staying in Kazakhstan for more than a year. In some ways I wish I had stuck with my original plan (which is not exactly a great way to start a blog post), but when all is said and done (lol idiom!!!!11111one) I guess I can't really fault it; it was my choice after all.

Astana, capital of nowhere in particular

Needless to say, here I am in Kazakhstan. Like most people though even I require a change after a while, so with great trepidation I decided to make the big jump from small Soviet backwater to big-city capitalness (if that's even a word) and join the ranks of the мамбетский город in Astana, capital of the Glorious Republic of Kazakhstan.

But not straight away. True to my loyal, well-disposed self I went back to Karaganda for two months to help out there until their new native-speaker arrived. It was great to see all of my old students again (and some new ones too). It was still a very sad occasion, with such a big life change ahead of me, but ultimately it was the right thing to do. Sort of.

Life continued like it normally does; the students came, they were taught, I drank, and the world turned on its axis. Nothing especially bad or good happened in Karaganda, but I still think about it with a warm attitude, mostly because of its people (and the selection at the supermarket, omg it sucks in Astana). I like to think of Karaganda as a unique place in all of the world; a post-Soviet city that still retains much of its Soviet spirit and charm.

But like all things, change comes in its own time. Before the new native-speaker even arrived I was whisked away by the giant StudyInn-machine to take over the responsibilities in Astana of a teacher who left (hi Pat!). It's a very hard thing to try and talk about Astana in a positive light, and I have tried to think positive thoughts ever since I arrived, but ultimately I have come to one undeniable conclusion: I really hate this city. Really. Hate. A lot.

Where does one start on the subject? Well, I could reel off a list of exact reasons (in fact I have saved this for a series of future blog posts! Lucky you!) but instead I will suffice to say that it's like Karaganda with none of the good parts (and a lot of other bad things, thrown in). I'm not too sure why exactly everything is so bad here, but I have it on good authority that there are plenty of people who agree with me. Srsly. Whether or not I'll be able to last out the rest of the year here I have no idea. Your support is always welcome.

Now for the chronicling of events! Hmmmm.....which events?

Well, ok, so there haven't really been any events as such. The students here are a lot different(more lazy) and the work here differs somewhat(more IELTS classes and corporate clients). Of the latter I can only say has been an improvement; I enjoy the dictatorial-ness (?) of telling students what to do and them doing it, such as IELTS' classes normally are, and the extra pay is always welcome. Corporate clients have also been an interesting addition for me. I have taken on two that are particularly noteworthy: KazMunaiGas, Kazakhstan's largest oil and gas company, and the National Neurological Medical Centre (I have no idea if that's the correct name, and I don't care!). So yes, I am now a whore to the oil industry. Shame the pay is still shit.

I actually teach a man who was embroiled in a massive national political scandal. He is a nice, friendly man.

Of course, it wouldn't be "Kazakhstan" unless my students take me out for dinner, and, well, one of them did! The Director of the Geological Department at KMG, Murat Mukhanov, took the four of us (me, him, Bayan and his wife) to a Bavarian styled restaurant in the old part of town. I will try and get a photo to demonstrate that even some people in Astana are nice.

New Year was the biggest event on the calendar, and this year I celebrated it with my beloved. We watched Ирония Судьбы twice, attempted to toast with Nazarbayev (unsuccessfully) and ate more than our bellies could handle. Just like last year things didn't really feel festive, but perhaps they felt a little more normal. Pictures will come later. Maybe.

In a strange way, it doesn't really feel all that different here from England. Astana is trying to be a modern city with everything that that entails. Maybe that's why I hate it so much.

But summer is coming. Looking outside, the snow is starting to melt and people are starting to wear less layers. Hopefully in summer I can see something good. Who knows?

100 Things You Won't Find in Astana: an epic list

So, as most of you think that I've probably been killed or kidnapped by now, owing to my lack of posts, I have decided to publish an epic list of my grumbles about the great(ly shit) city of Astana. This post is not a substitute for an actual update about my adventures, so please don't think that it is. It's more of a placeholder, really.

Anyway, while you wait for my next proper update (it's about half-way finished!), here is a concession for all of you Little Knyaz-ers (wtf) out there: 100 things you won't find in Astana.

The first ten:

1. Motivation
2. A wide selection at the supermarket
3. A cheap place to eat
4. Politeness
5. Good burgers
6. Happiness
7. Originality
8. Hospitality
9. Good bacon
10. MOTHERFUCKING HORSES

This list will be gradually updated as and when I feel like it.

As always, your comments are welcome (WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOUR COMMENTS?!)

And, in closing I'd just like to say:

KARAGANDA FOREVER!

Лето/Summer

Scientific analysis has proven that the best adventures happen in summer. As winter in Kazakhstan fast approaches, I can't help but remind myself of the events of the summer holidays after my (now rather abortive) departure from Karaganda. So naturally the first events I want to describe after my almost-5-month-break from my blog (sorry about that!) are my summer adventures.

Where I hear you cry? Well, I don't, because those of you who are smart enough to look in the labels section (don't look yet!) will know where I went. I was in Ukraine, most notably in Kiev! The ancient slavic city on the Dnieper that spawned both the Ukrainian and Russian nations. What did you do there, apart from drinking yourself to death, I hear you cry? Why relaxing just a little bit of course, and sampling all that this beautiful city has to offer.

Oh, and learning Russian of course. Over the course of my first three weeks in Kiev I studied Russian with a school that I found more or less with the same level of effort that I do with most things: put it into google and see what comes back. I really regret this decision now; though this school was fairly cheap (I say fairly cheap because it was only cheap compared to the other schools) it's level of teaching quality is very, very bad. I was made to feel stupid for three weeks by studying grammar that I don't understand mechanically and with no communicative methodology. I mean, I thought I was a bad teacher!

Kiev itself, while retaining much historical and architectural charm, was a fairly dull affair. I don't know, maybe the lack of social life and rather dry Russian lessons turned me sour, or maybe the fact that I saw basically everything Kiev has in the first week there and sat around twiddling my thumbs ever since then. And of course the biggest problem is there didn't seem to be much adventure there. Getting drunk on cheap beer and looking at architecture just doesn't seem to cut it anymore.

So lets take you through a picture gallery of Kiev, and later Odessa.

My bed in Kiev. Of course the best place in the world. The host family I was staying with was wonderful; there was Galina, the strong Ukrainian matriarch who loved feeding me at any given time, Dima, the shy son who fixed computers in his room most of the day. And Miroslava, the lodger who never seemed to be there. Ever.

Ahhh, the beautiful Podil district. The following photographs are all taken in the gorgeous location of Podil, which is considered to be the most cosmopolitan and relaxed of Kiev's many districts. A great place to relax in the park, sit and drink some delicious and very cheap beer.

This is actually a cafe for the local militsia (police), so naturally I tried to stay as far away as possible.

Goodbye savings!

This is considered to be a small church in Kiev. Be warned.

Kontrakova Square in Podil. A great place to spend the evening, just strolling and watching the people or looking at the magnificent architecture.

I ate a few times at the cafe on the left with my classmate. Puzata Hata, a local fast food chain which serves traditional Ukrainian recipes, is much better.

A statue of Petro Sagaidachny, leader of the Ukrainian Cossacks who did some very naughty things. Ukraine's history revolves around the cossacks and Ukrainans are very proud of their free-booting fore-fathers.

I loled

My first McDonalds after more than a year.

On the East Side of Podil, looking towards the hills in the centre of Kiev and the Dnieper river, on the left.

The Dnieper, in all its beauty.

The headquarters of the Ukrainian Communist Party. And even the building is red.....

My welcome dinner, courgettes cooked in a distinctly Soviet style.

Notice the Kazakhstanskii cognac!

Khreschatyk, Ukraine's main "high-street" and one of Europe's most expensive shopping locations. You can feel a lot of history pouring out of this place, and like all of Kiev, the architecture is simply magnificent.

A statue of Lenin. Nice to know they didn't destroy them all.

Bulgakov!

Maidan Nezalezhnosti, or Independence Square. Below this wonderful monument is a vodka bar where dark-skinned men like to meet blonde Ukrainian girls. Tasteful.

Not sure who this guy is, but some kind of cossack at any rate.

The other side of Maidan Nezalezhnosti. During the Second World War the Kiev City Duma was located here until it was destroyed during the Battle of Kiev.

Three guys who look a bit like vikings. They apparently were the originally founders of Kiev in legend.

The Friendship of Nations Arch, to celebrate the friendship and "re-unification" of the Ukrainian and Russian peoples. Remarkably, it looks a lot like the Karaganda statue of miners....

One is supposed to be Russian and the other Ukrainian. Can you tell which?

The Dnieper, as seen from the top of the Friendship park

A very small bird

Not sure what this says exactly. Any help with translations would be great!

Arsenalna metro station. It is actually one of the deepest metro stations in the world, 346 feet underground.

There was a piece of artillery outside.

The beautiful views from the top of the hill overlooking the Dnieper.

Another horrible obelisk.

 

A strange child. I am sure he was following me....

A monument to the Great Famine

As I was strolling through the park I walked off the beaten path and into the back of an Orthodox Church dome repair shop! What an odd place Kiev is!

Church of the Resurrection of Christ. It's in Russian and not Ukrainian!

The Holy Kvass!

Three long-haired men.

Memorial Complex of National Museum of the History of the Great Patriotic War. It's a big place

Artillery

There are a lot of tanks in the next few pictures. You have been warned.....

Mi-24. One day I will own one, I am sure

Расцветали яблони и груши.....

All of the buildings and monuments here are dedicated to the soldiers lost in the Second World War and the War in Afghanistan. Even after all this time the wounds run deep....

Hero cities of the Soviet Union

Русский!

Multi-coloured tanks

So this is "Mother Motherland" or now "Mother Ukraine". Housed underneath her is the Second World War museum, which has a pretty extensive collection.

I love Byzantine/Orthodox style art

Kiev is a very religious place. In Kazakhstan there are many churches and mosques but not a lot of people consider themselves to be actively religious. Ukraine is a very different place. Everywhere you can see the signs of the Orthodox faith.

The entrance to the Lavra (cave monastery). I never actually went in, so I guess it will be one for a future visit.

All of the major memorials in Kiev form one big park next to the Lavra and the WW2 musems. This is the entrance

Back in the wonderfully beautiful Podil! I love it so much down the narrow and winding backstreets.

These strange insects are all over the former USSR

Grigorii Skovoroda, the Ukrainian poet and philosopher. I have no idea what he did

The statue of the biblical figure of Samson in Podil. There was a local legend about this statue, but i forget the details :P

This is the oldest church in Kiev that still stands in its original form. For the Christ of me I can't remember its name, though

More of Podil's beautiful backstreets

Locals say that if you put a coin on this fountain and it sticks, your wish would come true. My tour guide's coin stuck, but my Kazakh 10 tenge didn't. Thanks Kazakhstan!

Churches, lots of churches

St. Michael's Monastery. Beautiful, but still I don't remember much about it.

Statues of three guys. Who? I don't know.

The British Embassy is housed here, in a building close to....

....Gogol's nose!

"Quality time" with Gogol's nose

A traditional "pagan Ukrainian" cafe. It doesn't really explain why there is a flag of the Ukrainian National Liberation Army flying above, though.

I loled

Beautiful scenery next to the park of sculptures

St. Andrews Church, at the top of Andrevskii's Descent

From the top of the hill it winds all the way down to Podil at the bottom

We came here in the evening, but during the day time there are lots of people selling all kinds of fake Soviet crap to the tourists

Statues of various people who I have forgotten about

And right in the middle you can find Bulgakov's house!

On the next day we found this strange looking frog thing. Apparently some businessmen made it, for some reason

Near the water museum, that I didn't go to. I still feel bad about that

A statue based on a story from Ukrainian TV, about two people re-united after the fall of the Soviet Union who had met during the Second World War.

Fucking rickety bridge

Naive declarations of love

My tour guide kept jumping up and down on this thing, much to my annoyance

A park-symphony playing Big Bond themes. I shit you not

Shit 3D graffiti that didn't work because of the light

Helicopter landing pad for Ukrainian parliamentarians. I shit you not

If you are lucky enough to be elected to the Ukrainian parliament, you can live here!

Some kind of plantpot?

Guy died of syphilis during the war. 'nuff said.

More statues

The Ukrainian Parliament building

Down this street was a man waving a Russian Imperial flag shouting about the evil of NATO and homosexuals. I didn't take a picture because, naturally, I didn't want to have my face kicked in

Government buildings

The House of Chimeras! Built by some rich merchant guy, this house is actually completely made from concrete.

Lots of ugly characters

One of the main Soviet guys after the Second World War had this monstrosity built

Itty-bitty crocodile

This guy was apparently some kind of literary character from a Ukrainian book

Some kind of impromptu-concert on Khreschatyk

Back to Freedom Square!

The Ukrainian National Museum of Architecture! A very interesting open-air museum about all the different architectural styles that can be found in the Ukraine.

And the shashlyk was pretty good, too

Gigantic Slavic eggs!

Хата!

Хата хата хата

An out-of-place yellow bin

Some kind of traditional pottery

Even in the Ukraine, horses are (wo)man's best friend

Down here there were lots of small stalls with souvenirs and shashlyk. I bought my mum a fridge magnet with traditional Ukrainian embroidering here

Viking club!

Food!

Singing traditional Ukrainian music

This picture makes them look slightly more popular

GIGANTIC SLAVIC EGGS

And they walked away...

I want a Lada too

In general it's a good place to come and relax at the weekend. In the Ukraine they sell shashlyk by the gram rather than by the skewer, so it was strange for me

In Kiev's hyrdo park old people like to dance

The funny thing is, it all looks so much like Karaganda's central park here. Soviet planners didn't have much originality

Cat mural!

The river next to the Hydropark

Rezhii the cat! A real Ukrainian cat who loved to eat salo and borscht

Sorry babushka

In a Tatar cafe. Tatar and Kazakh cuisine is similar in some ways, so it was nice to taste some things that I missed from Karaganda

Everything is spelt differently in the Ukrainian language

Golden Gate

Russian bank

I small docker's cafe where we used to get beer at 10 o'clock in the morning during the break. When in Rome...

"Beer without vodka is like a passport without a photo". It sounds more poetic in Russian

The shit hotelroom in Odessa where I spent most of my time. The bed was broken when I got there, so I had to fix it myself. Customer service in post-Soviet countries is worse than you can imagine....

So I had come to Odessa to find the beach holiday I had been craving after all of those rubbish Russian lessons. Unfortunately fate had something different in store for me

But the train station is beautiful, isn't it?

The wonderful Odessa Opera House

Is it real? I doubt it

Heroes of Odessa

The Vietnamese were protesting about something....

All the women in post-Soviet countries wear heels. Even just to go to the shops

Some kind of traditional instrument

The Potemkin Steps. The only thing remarkable about this place is that local traders were fleecing American tourists like made. Yes, I'm sure your German WW2 medals are real, really sure....

Fucking bananas

My photos of the Potemkin Steps are really bad, I know

A monument of Catherine the Great, the Empress under who Odessa was founded by the four figures on the monument beneath her. Also of note is the woman in the green dress. Niiiiiiiice

A tree. And I wasn't even drunk....

One of many monuments to sailors. Odessa is after all a port on the Black Sea, and has a big maritime history

A remainder of the original city walls

And so I found the beach. I sat in this cafe (next to the beach) saying to myself that tomorrow I would bring my swimming shorts and go and relax there. And what happened? I got food poisoning from the shashlyk I ate the day before. Unbelievable!

I spent the rest of the trip in bed...

As someone was getting changed in here, it fell on them. I loled

The interior of the Odessa train station as went back to Kiev to catch the flight back

I was almost happy after the food poisoning to get back to Kiev and fly home. It was great to see my family again after a year and to eat barbecues and burgers and Indian food and all of those great things I have missed. After a few weeks I was reunited with my wonderful Bayan and we celebrated my birthday together. I spent a week in Manchester catching up with my good friend Mike, and of course I spent a few great times with the guys in Northampton. Maybe it wasn't quite as amazing as the summer I spent for the first time in Kazakhstan, but I'd much prefer it to the cold Kazakhstan winds of winter.

And as they approach, I find myself shivering a little just thinking of them....